Favourite Things -1. Star Trek
2. Lists
3. Poetry, Politics & What Have You. But Not here.
Data Set Explanations -
Association Football is among the easiest to explain and easiest to equip games in the known galaxy, so it’s clearly not insane. Baseball’s decline into a niche sport, while justified, is offset by the implication that anybody in the future would want to watch such a game. American Football and Hockey are great games that are having difficulty with bigger, better players and equipment even in this century, and given that Paris & Kim are playing against Nausicaans in the holodeck, I imagine if either game held even a minor fascination with some of the more brutish alien species (Klingons, would be my concern, given Worf’s traumatic incident playing a mostly non-contact sport as a child) - well, it’d get insane quickly. Hoverball seems innocuous enough, and rather uninspired. Orbital Skydiving, on the other hand, is clearly for the insane. Parisses squares is never shown - but since it involves an Ion Mallet and a distinct possibility for severe injuries even in youth matches - I’m going to say it’s the most egregious example of an insane future sport in Trek. Racquetball, if only for the outfits, gains a few points. Full-contact Springball is needlessly violent, and Velocity is a game played with flippin’ phasers.
12 Romantic Trek Pairings that make me go ‘Ergh’
As much as Trek is concerned with social behaviours and humanoids interacting with each other, there are some pretty horrible relationships in the franchise canon. Might be because writing realistic and organic romantic relationships against the backdrop of ‘space future’ in largely stand-alone episodes requires either 42-minute relationships (Kirk-Whoever) or gradual, piecemeal sub-plots over the long term, to say nothing of the Roddenberry Doctrine of denying the possibility of deep interpersonal conflicts (until his death, Ro, DS9, Maquis…). ‘Fling of the Week’ style relationships dominate the franchise (not many penicillin-resistant space STIs, as it would turn out), but even when major characters shack up, this viewer gets the feeling it’s very cold in space indeed. Can’t always put the blame squarely on actor chemistry or writing, but there’s something very amiss in the following 12 romantic pairings. (Multi-episode couples only. Kirk-Odona, Crusher-Ronin would crush this list. Pre-apologies to slash fans, I know nothing of your culture. )
12. Wesley Crusher - Robin Lefler
- The Boy and Ashley Judd. She finds him intriguing through nothing of his own volition, she’s so quirky and cute that she’s a dreamy indie rock montage away from the title of Enterprise’s resident MPDG.
11. Archer - T’Pol
- Sexy Trek’s exploration of the ‘opposites attract’ trope doesn’t make no sense, but Archer’s inter-office lechery isn’t particularly evolved for a show taking place 190 years after Mad Men.
10. Picard - Vash
- Nothing good comes out of going to Risa.
9. Garak - Tora Ziyal
- I’m all for Andy Robinson’s suggestion that Garak was a pansexual epicurean, but that makes it even more bewildering that he’d have any interest in Ziyal, whose third actress was still twenty years younger than Robinson. (That, and Garak only truly had eyes for Bashir.)
8. Kira - Odo
- Written strongly enough, and an interesting relationship to think about in context, but hard to watch. Kira’s ‘intimate, happy’ voice is the worst thing.
7. Kes - Neelix
- I don’t care how quickly Ocampa mature, this one’s creepy. Their behaviour once they get onto Voyager illustrates clearly that when Neelix can’t hold the power in their relationship, Kes would prefer him as a protector-friend, not a protector-lover. Again, interesting, but ookie.
6. Dr Bashir - Leeta
- Bashir’s frustrations with Dax culminate in a surprisingly resilient relationship with a bubbly Dabo girl. I picture a lot of Julian either dominating conversation or insisting on silence in a passive-aggressive way. Bashir needs someone to keep him in check, lest that air of arrogance lead to some gentle misogyny. Risa, it’s no good for you.
5. Jadzia Dax - Worf
- Again, it makes sense. The pansexual, wise-to-the-cosmic-joke Trill gets down with the dour Klingon. But damn it if, even in the 24th century, putting the wild woman in a relationship doesn’t just settle her right down. Of course Farrell lost interest in her character. They also go to Risa (and there are gold underpants).
4. Vedek Bareil - Kira
- Kira’s got to lighten up somehow. We’ve got to see that she’s not all barbed wire, but I really don’t know what makes this relationship tick. It seems like at least half of Kira’s criteria is ‘experienced the occupation, now has some clout.’ Keeps pragmatism in her character, but leaves chemistry on the sidelines.
3. Chakotay - Seven of Nine
- Seven’s playing around in the holodeck, trying to make up for the fact that her experience of humanity was stunted at age six, and attempting to understand ‘stirrings’ and navigate around other developmental holes… and holo-Chakotay seems nice enough. That Real Chakotay goes along with what is one of her first ‘crushes’ and gets right in there… Errrgh.
2. Will Riker - Deanna Troi
- Yeah, yeah, Imzadi. Riker is a documented creep. Troi is.. grating, to say the least. Also, there’s that horrifying bubble bath shave Tom Riker getting in there. Your transporter clone shouldn’t eat where you shave, or something.
1. Deanna Troi - Worf
- Nothing can dethrone this one. What the blue hell. Worf is annoyed by most everybody, but the soothing voiced ship’s counsellor gets in there? She isn’t exactly built to last… and all the fun (horror) he had picturing a life with Troi in Parallels is what precipitated this? That it happened once in the whole general mishmash is enough to plant the seed?
Yikes.
Data set explanation -
1,1 - Spock has calculated in his head how to slingshot around the sun so as to rip open space/time and end up exactly where they want to, twice. Despite this, Kirk’s still the captain, and has McCoy dripping Poison in his ear about how the Vulcan’s finally lost it.
2,2 - Picard trusts Riker as a man trusts his dog. This may not be a wise decision, for as good as an officer Riker can be (particularly when bearded), he is responsible for blowing up more versions of the Enterprise than every other character in Trek canon combined. Send him to the planet’s surface, don’t leave him the keys to the ship.
3,3 - Sisko initially trusts Kira as far as he can throw her, but then, she initially proves herself to be an impediment to mission after mission. There’s respect in their relationship, but Sisko rarely trusts Kira to do his dirty work (and he loves to do his dirty work).
4,4 - Janeway frequently treats Chakotay with contempt when he comes up with a better solution to their problems. It usually takes a loss of life or a pounding in battle for Janeway to finally, begrudgingly, accept the consult of her XO. The gulf would be greater, but in Janeway’s defense, Chakotay does suck.
5,5- A repetitive pattern in ENT is an episode where Archer and his feeble crew get themselves in way over their heads and T’Pol suddenly ‘wakes up’ and saves the whole crew with robotic ‘Vulcan Ex Machina’ precision. You would think Archer would realize this and stop squawking at her, but you’d be greatly overestimating Archer’s flexibility and interest in rational thought (see previous chart). In this case, it’s not that T’Pol is a great or even a good officer, but rather that she’s so far ahead of the crew that she acts as a plot fixing device.
